"And E: Lady Gaga is awesome."

I came home from work early today, fell sound asleep within about 7 minutes, and woke up feeling mostly like myself again. And because my nap was about 4 hours long, I have a little bit of energy right now. Yes, at 2:30. And yes, I have to work tomorrow...at a gift-wrapping shop...on Christmas Eve. And then my family is throwing a holiday party. Picking up what I'm laying down? I need to be ASLEEP!!

Anyway. I spent a few hours with Ben this evening and had the standard awesome time. He mentioned how he remembered noting my dizziness last Christmas, and we chatted a little bit about my tumor and surgery-- I hadn't really heard Ben's side of the story, so that was interesting. I don't have much recollection of last year's holiday season except that I was excited to come home, felt like SHIT, didn't want to go back to Cincinnati after the holidays were over, and felt really scared about whatever was causing my symptoms but felt compelled to keep it to myself. I think part of what is propelling me through this holiday is the idea of how incredible I feel compared to last year! I was a goddamn wreck last Christmas and I think maybe 3 people knew the extent of it. My mom's family has started an annual girls' luncheon early in the holiday season, and last year, we went to a choir concert at a beautiful church in downtown Cincinnati. The choirs were wonderful and that church has a lot of significance to my family, but I remember sitting in the uncomfortable pews with a massive knot in my stomach, my mind racing, squeezing and pressing into my right hand and righthand fingers, trying desperately to wake them up, and not knowing what was causing me to feel so clouded and awful. I tend not to be anxious about things, per se-- I get nervous and excited, and I get depressed about things, too, but anxiety usually isn't a major issue-- but I think that I was having an episode close to an anxiety or panic attack. I remember snapping at my mom, too, and being really annoyed at my aunt who suggested that I had a pinched nerve and should just stop worrying. (Another great lesson from this whole thing: trusting my instincts. I knew on some level that something serious was going on with me, and hearing any sense of nonchalance or dismissiveness from my loved ones was shitty. It was like nails on a chalkboard.)

So, anyway, it's good to be celebrating Christmas with most of my faculties restored, and with my ass-kicking friends and family at hand.

Ok-- now I'm getting tired. Good night. Hey! Technically, it's Christmas Eve! NICE! Merry Christmas...Happy Ramahanukwanzmas.