the back story

Ok-- several people have asked me how this whole shitshow started. Let me break it down.

I think it was mid-October when I noticed some numbness in my fingers on my right hand. Since this was in the thick of campaign hysteria, I had zero time or inclination to worry about it. (I guess I figured the stress was causing it...like maybe it was just a knot in my back.)

[Sidebar: I'm eating some veggies right now, and I didn't examine the broccoli I just ate, and I'm 94% certain that I just ate a bug that was living in that broccoli. Nice. Hardly the squeakiest wheel, though. Moving on.]

After the campaign was over, and things went back to a regular pace, I noticed the numbness hadn't gone away. And after Thanksgiving, it had spread to my entire right side, from my clavicle down to my toes. It's not numbness to the point where I would be stabbed and not know it. I believe the correct term is "parasthesia"...it feels like there's a thin sheath of fabric covering the skin on my entire right side. So, I can feel pressure and heat, but there's this very noticeable disconnection between my skin and my nerves. And every so often, I'd compare the temperature of my right foot to that of my left foot, and even though the conditions externally were the same, my right foot would be noticeably cooler to the touch.

So, that persisted and I saw a chiropractor, hoping some simple snap-crackle-pop would remedy my situation. No dice. Getting closer to the holidays, I noticed that other stuff started cropping up...persistent dizziness, nausea, a total lack of energy, frequent bouts of hiccups, and a few incidents that ended with me face-down on the floor, or face-deep in some sort of, um, receptacle. After returning to Cincinnati after being home in Detroit for Christmas, my symptoms were at their worst, precluding any real contribution to adult society. I couldn't work, I didn't feel safe driving, I couldn't stand up for more than a few minutes at a time...seriously, it was the type of situation for which terms like "shitshow" are invented! There were a few other random symptoms that cropped up too, which will become funny anecdotes very shortly (fingers crossed). For example, I can't sneeze. I can't cough very well. I can't swallow normally. I have this little episodes where I get an insane tickle in my throat and nothing I do alleviates it, and it always makes one of my eyes water uncontrollably. I'm telling you: SHITSHOW.

Cut to last Saturday. I had a CAT scan done that showed some abnormalities in the 4th ventricle. (It's deep inside the skull, down towards the neck, and is responsible for fluid-something-something. Check Wikipedia; film classes don't cover neurology.) Then I had an MRI to get a better picture, and it revealed that the issue wasn't in my brain, but rather in my spinal cord. More extensive MRIs of my neck and back showed a tumor in my spinal cord, about the size of a large lima bean, adjacent to my C-6 vertebrae. Quick lesson: put your hand on the back of your neck, near your hairline, and slide it down slowly. That gentle protrusion that sort of divides your neck from your back is your C-7, the last vertebrae in your cervical spine. (Does anyone else find it funny that "cervical" in this situation refers to the neck area?) The C-6 is directly above it. The tumor has created a blockage of spinal fluid, causing pressure above it-- hence the random symptoms and the brain abnormality showing up on the CAT scan. This pressure is also why I'm a "fall risk"...if I fall, jar my head somehow, there can be some sort of rupturing that could cause quadriplegia. I'm not into that. A beloved friend of mine deals with paralysis from an accident, and I think he'd find a way to thoroughly kick my ass if I put myself in that same situation.

Once the tumor is extracted, it will be given a strongly worded admonishment from me for causing such a ruckus, and then it will be sent to pathology to determine what the hell it is. Again, if its composition is cause for concern, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Let's just assume for the time being that it's a little ball of snuggles and excess aspartame from my rampant Diet Coke habit, that somehow developed and got lost in my central nervous system.

And that's the story. I am really looking forward to Monday-- I have every reason to believe that my "neurontourage" will bring the fury on the tumor and that things will improve in short order. I am overwhelmed by the concern and support shown by my family and friends (new and old)-- one of my BFFs from back in the day is actually on her way here from DC, AS I TYPE THIS! (Check it. Yesterday was her birthday, she had tickets to two different concerts this weekend, and she's in fucking medical school-- but she booked a flight to come hang with me. Can't believe it!) Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this...I wish it wasn't under these circumstances, but it's an incredible feeling to have my allies come out of the wood work.

Hugs and high-fives from me to you.