A box of rocks? Yep, smarter.

As I wrote last night, I discovered one of Dr. T's receptionists to be a complete and total moron. Now, let's be fair. a) This woman isn't a trained medical professional, so perhaps it isn't fair to criticize her. b) I am in a particularly critical and judgemental mood right now. (I'm telling you: I am not a woman with whom to mess right now!) However, she does work in a neurology clinic, so it stands to reason that she has at least cursory knowledge of the basics-- the different surgeries her employers perform, the common complaints of patients, etc. Not too much to ask, right?

Alright, so my mom calls Dr. T's office to ask a very simple question-- my prescription for painkillers was just about empty, so we needed to know what the next step should be. Do we request a refill? Do we start hopping me up on something over-the-counter? Do we take something else? Understandable question. (Girl gets spine sawed open, has pain, needs meds to alleviate said pain, needs medical professional to prescribe said meds. Easy-peasy.) Well, Dr. T. was out of the office and his nurse practitioner was in a meeting, so this rocket scientist took it upon herself to answer my mom's inquiry herself. Super instinct.

"Well, she could probably take like 4 Motrin over like a 24-hour period. That'll probably work."

Let's break this down.

1) My mom had told her that my dwindling perscription was for Percocet, an acetomenophin-based painkiller with a little narcotic action thrown in, taken when you've had your body cut open and sewed back together. Motrin is an over-the-counter NSAID, taken when you have a headache from an annoying coworker.

2) OTC medications have different dosages...again, that's why that tricky little FDA puts those pesky labels all over everything. There's the dose recommended on the bottle, there's a dose recommended by a doctor for maybe a specific therapeutic effect, and there's probably a dose recommended by a doctor for a patient whose pain is more intense than would be alleviated by the basic dose on the bottle. 4 Motrin over 24 hours is a dose recommended for a high school cheerleader who drank one too many wine coolers after the motherf-ing homecoming game!!!

3) This lady didn't ask what kind of surgery I had, but a popular surgery performed by the doctors at her clinic is a spinal fusion. Taking anything like Advil, Motrin, Aleve, whatever actually inhibits healing from these surgeries...something involving bone structure. I don't know-- I'm not a neurologist-- but I do have the happy little pamphlets that are distributed at the clinic for post-op patients and literally the first bullet-point is "Don't take any OTC NSAIDS post-surgery-- Motrin, Ibuprofen, Aleve, etc." I read this pamphlet and now apparently know more about neurology than a woman who works at a neurology clinic.

Anyway, I guess this ties into my newfound zero-bullshit-tolerance policy-- but basic human intelligence really isn't too much to ask. HolymotherofGod. Read a damn book, lady. But, all's well that ends well-- I finally reached someone at the clinic who knew what the f' she was talking about, we had a good laugh at the expense of Little Miss Motrin, and I have a fresh new bottle of something strong to scare the bejesus out of me and keep the business somewhat pain-free.