My chest doesn't need more on it, thankyouverymuch.

Note: in Katie's defense, let me reiterate that she wasn't trying to scare me or cause undue stress. This girl has been a sister to me for over a decade, she knows how I deal with issues, and she knows I'm essentially logical...her instinct to tell me what she told me about my oncology appointment tomorrow was a kind one. Katie has been helping me through this whole process step by step in large part by preventing any major surprises. Her medical knowledge has been an asset because nothing has happened thus far about which she didn't give me fair warning. I am not interested in being blindsided by any of my doctors, and Katie has prevented that at every turn. I get strength, solace, and peace of mind from what knowledge she can offer. Some people do best when they are inundated with prayers and messages of hope...I do best when those are coupled with hard facts and reasoning. Katie knows this. We're good.

So, now I want to address something that for some reason has come up several times in the past few days, fairly unrelated to my surgery or recovery. There was some reaction to my comment on the kids that were running around at the mall the other day, and how I wasn't exactly thrilled to have them around. I have a few points to make:

1) It's entirely my prerogative to not like kids in general. Are there kids that I enjoy? Of course. Do I think all people under the age of, say?, 12 are completely useless? No, of course not. Do I feel maybe a bit on edge when I see them running around unbridled when I'm in this temporary state of discomfort? YES. The idea of some little ball of misbehavior colliding into me is unappealing right now-- this shouldn't be a major surprise.

2) I mentioned earlier to my aunt, and several times lately to others, that I don't want to have kids of my own. This opinion could change, of course, but not wanting to be a mother doesn't make me any less of a woman or any less of a human-- and frankly, I'm a little tired of people insinuating otherwise. Maybe I don't think I'd be a good mother! Maybe I don't want to pass my genetic code to anyone else! Maybe I'd prefer to just be responsible for my own well-being instead of someone else's! Maybe I just want to be kick-ass Aunt Dana! (I have several kick-ass aunts of my own for role models. Blame them.)

3) I don't know what it's like to have a child, but it seems like the only way to be a good parent is to realize that from day one, as soon as you know you have a child on the way, that it's no longer about you. It's about that child. The better parents I know are those who grasp that concept fully. Things shift, and the locus of attention is the kid, end of story. It's your responsibility to raise that child into the healthiest, most well-adjusted adult possible. Anything short of that is inexcusable. (For instance, the people that name their child something that sounds cute for a baby but absolutely ridiculous for an adult...that's just mean.) For better or for worse, that's the job you take on as a parent. This is very clear to me. And at this point, I think I'd be awful in that capacity-- so no, I am not interested in being anyone's mother.

4) I think that in a lot of cases, wanting to be a parent is somewhat egotistical. There are kids all over the world that don't have parents, while women are spending wads of cash and their own health trying to create a child with their own genetic material. Does it really matter? Again, I don't know what that feels like-- wanting to be a mother and not being able to get pregnant-- but if someone feels the need to nurture and raise a child, then why is it so damn important that the child looks like you and acts like you and grows inside you? I understand this is totally presumptuous of me, and I don't mean to be judgmental, but honestly-- some of this fertility stuff is ridiculous. Just because you have ovaries and a uterus, it doesn't mean you are somehow entitled to a child...that's maybe why it's referred to as a "miracle". I don't feel that burning need to create a human that resembles me in any way...it almost seems cruel. I am fairly able-bodied, most of my parts work without much maintenance required, but I have issues a-plenty-- why would I want to give those issues to someone else?

5) My anti-mother opinion is probably also informed by the idea that I've never been in love, and never felt whatever it is that makes a couple want to mold their shared love into a whole new person. That concept is foreign to me...that must be awesome, and I'm so happy for the people I know who've experienced that, and can look at their children knowing that they were conceived in a powerful and loving union. Seriously, that must be an incredible feeling. But, from where I sit, that's the only way to do it. There's no half-way. The women who are looking for motherhood at any cost-- I just don't understand that. The women who get pregnant and just decide to go for it and hope for the best? Again, I don't understand it. Why would you want to raise your child in anything less than the absolute best circumstances you could provide? Abortion, adoption, whatever...don't be a mother unless you can be a mom, too.

6) Maybe I'm a bit cynical, but things do NOT look good for future generations. They will be cleaning up messes left and right; what kind of parent would I be if I willingly subjected my child to what I know would be a fairly unpleasant world? Maybe it's a bigger-hearted gesture to not procreate and leave a little more room for my nieces and nephews, and their generation!

Anyway, that's my take on it. Either do it right, or don't do it at all. ONE THING: if a friend of mine needed a surrogate, needed someone to carry her child and give birth, I'd do it in a heartbeat. That's a whole different thing. If no one else needs my uterus, I'm happy to rent it out in the service of a loved one.

Ok, well, I'm off to bed...my sister is here to lend some extra support for my two appointments tomorrow. I figure between Carrie, Big Doug, and myself, we'll be well-equipped for anything that gets thrown our way. Thanks for reading!