"It's about showing up."

That idea presents itself over and over in my life-- sometimes I see the original Woody Allen quote, or other times I hear people refer to it, sometimes it's because life demonstrates it in front of my face-- and it's a good one. "Eighty percent of success is showing up." (I always remembered it as ninety-five percent, but whatever. "The significant majority of success is showing up.") The tricky thing about this idea is that a) it's totally fucking true and b) it's difficult to put it into practice if you don't know what exactly is worth showing up. My aunt asked me a few months ago, "So, what are you going to doggedly go after now?" As I mentioned in last night's entry, I miss the clarity I felt right after my surgery. I want to know what obstacles I'm setting in front of myself; I want to know how/if I'm sabotaging myself.

My cousin Sena was in Cincinnati this past weekend to visit our grandmother, and I always enjoy spending time with her. Right from Jump Street, she had characteristics that have always eluded me. It is comforting and wonderful that, at 17, she still has that fire. Sena is incredibly self-possessed, and she seems to be 100% happy to be Sena. (Her ability to do the splits is uneven, and she mentioned some facial blemishes that were a pain in the ass. But, besides that, she's happy to be herself.) So, being a junior in high school, it's hard not to ask her what she wants to do after she graduates. She is dead-set on pursuing music and theater. I hate to admit this, but I asked her if she's considered any alternatives to that, perhaps something a little more sensible or marketable. Ick. I was so impressed that she replied with a simple negative response. She knows what she wants to do, she's not afraid to fight for her ambition, and she doesn't have any bullshit clouding her vision for her own future. I remember being a junior and thinking about my own future, and knowing deep-down what I wanted, and feeling really stifled by my own ridiculous limitations.

I'm ten years older now, and I don't have a damn clue. Is it because my ambitions have genuinely changed as I've grown up? Or am I still pulling the wool over my own eyes? I don't feel like I've made much forward/upward motion, and my only conclusion as to why is that I have trouble admitting to myself what it is that I really want. I want to be doing something that requires all of my time and my attention-- I want to be lit up by what I do, even if it doesn't afford me a luxe lifestyle. And, I don't want to wake up ten years from now, feeling the same way.