"You don't know it yet, but I'm gonna be your dream come true."

My scan was clear-- whew! Today's appointment was a good one for several reasons. Let's unpack it.

1) The last time I saw Dr. A., I was an absolute wreck. I was a ball of wreckage. I peeked at the nurse's notes from my previous appointment and under "demeanor" or "mental outlook", whatever the category, she had written, "Depressed, needs alternative coping mechanisms, tearful." Aww. I love Diane. She is a great nurse. Today was hard-- doing these scans and then having them evaluated will always be ultra-shitty-- but it was easier than last time.

2) My scan was clear. The MRI only covered my cervical spine, but the points that used to be affected by the tumors and the massive syrinx look great. There is no trace of anything untoward, aside from the obvious lack of some vertebral bones. (I am still not used to the idea that parts of my vertebrae were removed. Weird.) I will be getting a full-body cyst scan in April or May, to check for my flavor of tumor showing up anywhere else. Yowza.

3) I like to get a point of reference for the different stages of recovery-- where I should be at a given point, what discomfort I can expect, etc.-- and it's difficult to get that information because my case is so rare. (Yes, I am a unique little snowflake.) But, I was really curious if my feelings of anxiety, confusion, depression, fatigue, what-evs, were on par with Dr. A.'s expectations. He was like, "Dana. Listen. I have a woman that had a benign tumor in a much more accessible place than you, and she had it removed. I see her once a year for a check-up, and every time we talk about the tumor, she becomes completely unglued. THAT WAS 15 YEARS AGO. You are doing FINE. It hasn't even been a year." I get the impression from family and friends that I'm expected to be peachy-keen-Prom-Queen-jelly-bean at this point, and it's disconcerting if I can't meet those expectations. It was comforting to hear Dr. A. tell me that I am justified in wanting to punch people in the face when they're disappointed in my progress. (For the record, he didn't condone actual physical altercations. He just let me know that the urge to do so has merit. It's like Christmas came early!) I'll be damned if I end up like that woman.

4) Dr. A. just got a new patient who presented with an intraspinal tumor in his cervical spine, very similar to mine. This patient has no idea that I am about to become his BEST FRIEND EVER. I gave Dr. Awesome permission to give the patient my contact info. If I can be of any comfort, assistance, relief, or amusement to this guy, then I'll be happy. On the other hand, if his tumor ends up being a hemangioblastoma, I won't be such a unique little snowflake.

I am very thankful for my extra mom, Sally, today. After a taxing appointment, and a 5-hour drive back to the D, I felt like I was about to explode. I read in a women's magazine several years ago a list of things every woman should have. Some of the things were practical, some were abstract-- a hammer, a favorite restaurant, a black lace bra, a fail-safe meal to prepare at the last minute, etc.-- and one of them was "a refuge". Sally's house is absolutely a refuge to me, just like it was in high school...and I am so grateful for it.