"One fish, two fish, red fish, we-fought-the-good-fight fish."

I can't sleep. My digestive system is making very disconcerting noises. I am also trying to sort through some fairly major issues, and for real, I am all alone on that island. Here's where I'm standing:

I understand that everyone grapples with decisions and feels pulled by the two poles of their individual psyches.

I also understand that even once I make a decision, this internal struggle won't stop.

I get that I'm probably never going to find a place where I'm satisfied, and that my goal is to be comfortable with that. As much as I'd like a little peace and clarity, I'd hate to have everything figured out right now. That's a lot of years of sitting still.

I am aware that I am about 14 years behind the curve for what I really want to do, and about 10 years behind the curve for my back-up plans.

I hate back-up plans and I've been living on them for over a decade. I've had some good times, learned some great lessons, and have met some incredible people during these back-up plans. (I could've had a raucous time with two such individuals tonight, and the more I think about it, the less I understand why the fuck I WASN'T there. I am in no position to turn down a fun night out, I don't care if it's five hours away!) But I've also wasted a lot of time in back-up plans, and I still have no idea where the hell I'm supposed to be.

I know that we make our own lives, and that we are defined by what we do for the majority of our time. (This one is scaring the bejesus out of me.) I'm looking at what I do with the majority of my time, and I'm not OK with what it says about me.