"I see you", and I'm not entirely thrilled that I did.

So, I am trying to see a few more Oscar-nominated movies before the big event on Sunday. (I'm not sure if I already mentioned that my snark-buddy John refers to the Oscars as the Gay Superbowl. It really amuses me.) To that end, I saw Avatar earlier tonight. And, I mean, I had some reactions. I'll just bullet-point this whole thing and save all of us [all, what?, 5?, 6? of us] a lot of time.

Shit. I just realized I don;t have bullet-pointing capabilities.

1. James Cameron is a preachy motherfucker. Talented, ridiculously wealthy, arrogant, and PREACHY.

2. James Cameron spent a gajillion to make this movie-- one would think he could spend a mere million to hire people who can write decent dialogue and a story that isn't completely predictable. I was sitting in the theater, 3-D glasses on, fully immersed in the visual buffet before me, and there were several moments when I said "Oh, for fuck's sake!" under my breath. It kind of killed the cinematic magic. The main character is an ex-Marine-- was it entirely necessary that he use the phrase "ooh-rah" in his voice-over? Has James Cameron never heard of overkill? The rich mineral found on Pandora, that the humans are trying to take from the natives, HAS to be called unobtainium? Really, Jim? Do you honestly think your audiences are that dumb? It's a shame because, for real, it could've been one of those films that picks you up and doesn't let go until after the credits roll. There is so much to see, and Sam Worthington's voice is very enjoyable. But the flaws are so distracting and obvious! Even the little tiny comedic beats are shitty. Unacceptable and frankly inexcusable.

3. I read something about movie-goers that see Avatar over and over again, and express depression that they live on our flawed planet and not on Pandora. (Pandora is the moon of a fictional planet a few light-years away from Earth. It's also a wonderful music website, and an element of a very funny exchange from the movie Notting Hill:

Hugh Grant's character: It's as if I've taken love heroin, and I can never have it again. It's like I've opened Pandora's box.
Rhys Ifans' character: I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.

Something like that.) Upon reading this article, I started laughing at these people. It seems entirely pathetic. After seeing the movie, I've reneged my laughter. I saw Titanic eleven times in the theater, partially because I had nothing else to do during my sophomore year of high school, but mostly because a movie like that, at least on the big screen, allows the viewer to escape to a setting that is more dramatic, more beautiful, more tragic, and more romantic than anything in real life. Pandora has that same appeal, except with less hypothermia and more alien-on-alien make-outs. There is no unemployment, there doesn't seem to be a lot of "he's just not that into you", Sarah Palin doesn't exist there, and the inhabitants seem to have very healthy levels of self-esteem. Who wouldn't want to move there? So, I'm rescinding 85% of my judginess and laughter. The remaining 15% stands because a) it's a goddamn movie, get over it b) my Titanic obsession took place when I was 16 while the people mentioned in the article were full-on adults, and c) movies, thin-crust pizza, white peaches, and Winter Olympics don't exist on Pandora so it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

3. Zoe Saldana, even when doing all of her performance as a CGI character, is an awful actress.

4. Sam Worthington is wicked hot. He is so attractive that he's actually still reasonably attractive when he's made into an alien jungle warrior. He's a decent actor. Decent.

5. I would be entirely amenable to the prospect of having my own pterodactyl-like creature upon which I could fly everywhere and make funny sounds.

6. Apparently, there will be a deleted scene on the DVD in which two CGI characters get busy. It was merely implied during the film, and the implication made me cringe. An actual sex scene between two CGI characters? Yowza. Nobody wanted to see Gollum humping another Gollum, James Cameron. Take a hint. You should've saved your money.

7. If the movie wins Best Picture, I wouldn't be surprised. It's definitely an achievement. But, I have a feeling that 10 years down the line, when we're watching it on TNT, Avatar will seem really trite and sophomoric...sort of like another James Cameron film that won a shit-ton of awards and critical acclaim... When I see Casablanca, The Godfather , or Shakespeare in Love nowadays, they hold up very well. The stories are still compelling, the acting is still exceptional, the whole experience is just as good the 20th time as it was the 1st time. I highly doubt that it will be the case with Avatar. That seems like Conduct Unbecoming an Oscar Best Picture Winner.

8. Spilling a ton of icy Diet Coke down your shirt will certainly detract from a movie-viewing experience.

I am seeing Up in the Air, The Hurt Locker, and maybe A Single Man tomorrow. I can't bring myself to pay to see Sandra Bullock on screen. Just can't. And if she wins the Oscar over Carey Mulligan, it will be just awful.