Wedding vows to the future Mr. DKM

Since Jennie got married last weekend, and we're less than a year away from BFF Katie's wedding (for which I will be acting as minister), and I've been sucked into the whole Twilight mindfuck and therefore cannot help but look at the photos of the wedding scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1: Citizens on Patrol, it only seems appropriate that I write this stuff down now.

Here's what I'd like to say to my future husband, should the universe conspire to find the substrate to my enzyme:

I promise that, if we should ever share an Academy Award win, I will allow you some time at the podium, too; and if I win one on my own, I will make sure that I will more emphatic about thanking you than about thanking my agent or collaborators. This extends to Tonys, Grammys, and Emmys as well.

If I ever make something awesome to eat, like risotto, I will always make enough for you to have seconds; I will put the leftovers in glass dishes for you to enjoy the next day because I would never expose you to avoidable carcinogens.

If you're ever thirsty, I will always get you a glass of ice water, because I know that it always tastes better if someone else gets it.

I'll never bother you when you're in the bathroom unless you explicitly ask for more toilet paper or reading material.

I'll never buy soap or personal care products with Triclosan, parabens, or sulphates because I'd rather your skin and hair be healthy than synthetically scented or softened.

I will do whatever it takes to make our home a place where your friends and family will always feel welcomed and at ease.

I will always be concerned about whether or not you're getting enough fiber and protein in your diet, and I will always be a total pain in the ass if I see you drinking Red Bull.

I'll pay attention.

If you ever ask me to dance with you, I'll always say yes.

If we're at a social function, casual or otherwise, and you want to leave, you can use me as an excuse.

I'll fight fair.

I'll never bully you and I'll never let you bully me.

If there's ever a movie or play you want to see, a book you want to read, a band you want to check out, or a new restaurant you want to try, I'll always encourage you to do so; I want you to have as many chances as possible to be moved by something beautiful or special.

If you need me to be your arm candy for a few hours, I won't ask questions until after the fact.

If you want to take a spontaneous trip someplace, I'll only need 1 hour's notice.

I'll never dismiss you.

I'll always care about your grammar and punctuation, but I won't be an asshole about it.

I'll always wear my seatbelt and I'll never text while driving.



That's all I have so far.